Healing from Interpersonal Violence and Narcissistic Abuse With Cannabis. Highmaste' Mama's Story.
Updated: Dec 22, 2019
By: Ruth Szy
December 20th, 2019
I’ve often felt like a human version of the Raggedy Ann doll, just with a Dab straw in hand.
My childhood revolved around unstable parents who couldn’t prioritize my well being. I was moved around a lot, too. I’m already well past 30-something moves in my lifetime. I attended 6 elementary schools and 5 high-schools.
I am an immigrant (I arrived in Canada at the age of 4, English is my third language but has become my main and most proficient one). My father was highly abusive to me for my entire life. I was constantly beaten down emotionally and psychologically. I witnessed my mother always crying and emotionally unwell, being called awful names and berated by my father.
My father often spat at me and called me horrible things like ‘dog’, ‘bitch’, etc., even at very tender ages 5,6...etc. He was sometimes also physical, dragging me down two flights of stairs after smashing my boom box against the wall at the age of 13, and locking me in the cellar downstairs in the basement while my mother watched and did nothing.
I was designated the family scapegoat at a young age, you know? I was always very ‘different’ from everyone around me. I have a genetic sibling who is nearly ten years my senior. I worshipped him growing up but the conditional and critical and judgemental affections of my blood family were never intended to shape or nurture me, nor include me in their very different ways of life.
I was constantly told I was stupid. A parasite. Wrong (not sure about what but it was pretty much everything).
My genetic brother and his wife cut me off from my nieces and nephew after I made the decision to become a surrogate mom to a pair of amazing twins, one of which was named after me, both of which are still very much a part of my life (I was a gestational carrier, which means the twins were not my DNA ). They groomed their kids to perceive me the same way my father and brother do.
As a result of all the instability and abuse, I have had CPTSD for most of my life. I had a serious suicide attempt at the age of 17, depression, Chronic stomach issues, and Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). I never grew up aware of my self or comfortable in my own skin.
I was never aware of my needs or thoughts or how to be the person I needed others to be for me. I didn’t know how to save myself. My blood family taught me I didn’t deserve good things in life and any support I received was a ‘favor’ for my sorry ass. I lost many years of my life to self-loathing, low self-worth, and other painful symptoms of trauma.
I internalized that hate for a very long time, going through a series of toxic and even abusive relationships and friendships.
I was once strangled by an ex-partner. And thrown down on the bed so hard, my head smashed against the headboard and nearly knocked me out.
Last time I was in Jamaica, it was for my first vacation in 8 years and it was a gift to myself after having the twins and my partner at the time (who drank profusely every night), berated me, called me names, and flirted with other women in front of me.
One of my ex’s used to follow me in his car when I walked my dog and also threw me down and kicked holes in walls (I learned to drywall that way and that was my first relationship). I have been used, taken for granted, made to feel invisible and unimportant, and I always ran myself through hoops trying to prove my worth to the ones who mistreated me and walked away, but most recently, I left a violent, cruel and unhealthy marriage.
I waited a long time to get married and he was the longest relationship I had in my adult life. Someone I let in so closely, shared my dreams with, got married to and had two beautiful children with. I never thought I would recreate my mother and father’s unhealthy dynamic. I thought my awareness of how sad and poisonous my parent’s union was, would prevent me from repeating the same. But the devil with green eyes and tattoos who knew all about the abuse and pain I endured instead used it against me and repeated the same. The person I married was indeed the worst version of a narcissist I have encountered.
Things had been unraveling for a while. Many of my friendships and acquaintanceships were destroyed by my ex to be. He broke into my emails and social media accounts, messaged and harassed people I knew, caused me immense embarrassment all around. I invested in a Vape Shop with a dream of opening a dispensary and raising my kids as he worked hard at the shop to make our business a success. I instead lost the beloved truck that I worked so hard for, closed 4 other small businesses I had going.
He was removed by the Police from our home after threatening me and throwing me down twice, chasing me downstairs (we lived in a condo), calling me a ‘cunt’ in front of our daughter (he threw me down in front of her once and she screamed). He got in the car we had before he dumped it back at the dealership we were making payments at and leaving the kids and I without one, uttering death threats and reversing the car while I stood behind at the trunk collecting things from the back.
I did not find the strength to leave after he threw me around while pregnant. I kept hoping things would get better and excused his ‘stress’ for the hard times we were going through, even though in retrospect, he put us in those hard times.
But in the end, my penchant for narcissists ripped me completely open and it was as soon as I realized that my children stood to be subjected to the same pain and dysfunction that I immediately pulled the band-aid off.
Thanks to cannabis, in particular, concentrates, I was able to pull myself out of some very dark times and carry on like the CANNASOLDIER Mom that I am!